Respect
by The Leaf 180
Summary: Character study. Respect is something you earn. He wants to be seen for whom he is, and in the end, that is what he gets. Respect is often given to those who don't deserve it. Kakashi learns the hard way.


_When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man respects himself. ~ Mark Twain_

Unlike others, Kakashi did not start from the bottom. He was respected; he was the son of The White Fang after all. It was unconsciously passed down from his father onto him.

When people saw him, they saw The White Fang. Kakashi wasn't sure if he liked that or not.

_Do you want to be known?_

The amount of people that respected him was small, only people like Gai and a few of the neighborhood children that were younger than him. But there weren't many. He wanted to be known. He wanted to create a name for himself.

_Show them what you can do_

Even though he was respected by little to no people, that didn't mean they disrespected him. No, he just had to prove himself.

Adults didn't disrespect him, but they didn't show him much attention unless his father was with him. But Kakashi didn't like it. He wanted to show them that he was worthy even when his father wasn't around. He wanted to be known for who he was. So he got to work.

_You will make them listen to you._

Entering the Academy at a young age was a feat. A lesser person might have stopped there, might have been satisfied with that. But Kakashi wasn't done yet. He had managed to capture their attention and he wasn't about to let it slip away again.

He worked, he trained, he honed his skills and blew away the curriculum. He passed the exam with flying colors and became the youngest genin in history.

_You are smart. They will respect you for your knowledge._

He was surrounded by praise, but he wanted more. When they saw his father, they congratulated _him_ on Kakashi's rank. They said that _he_ did a good job raising Kakashi. But his father didn't do any of the hard work. Kakashi wanted them to see that.

When people saw him, they saw The White Fang's prodigy. He didn't like that.

_Change._

-/-/-/-

Soon enough Kakashi was going strong. Adults would whisper about the boy genius and children would look on in awe. He was apprenticed under the Yellow flash, and it wasn't as much studying and learning as it was fighting and training and killing. But he had what he wanted at last. He was content.

_This is what you want. _

Alas, all good things must come to an end. The fall of The White Fang cut an abrupt end to his glory. The one time hero Sakumo fell farther and farther into disgrace, and along with it, went the respect that Kakashi had worked so hard to gain.

_You will make a difference. It will be different for you_

All the respect he had earned was gone. Back to square one, but he was in deeper than last time. People snarled about him to his face and behind his back. Now they knew who he was, but he didn't want to be known as the son of the failure.

_You will not be a failure. _

The amount of people that respected him was small. Only Gai and maybe sensei but sometimes he wasn't sure. It wasn't that his sensei disrespected him, but Kakashi wasn't sure he proved himself in his sensei's eyes just yet.

_You must work harder_

Entering the Chuunin exams and passing was a feat. A lesser person might have failed, content with enjoying their childhood a little bit more. But Kakashi wasn't like that. He was never like that. They might have been proud of themselves, but Kakashi wasn't sure who he was doing this for anymore.

_You can do better_

He had managed to grab their attention once more, and he was going to work twice as hard to earn their respect once again.

He threw himself into his work, absorbing knowledge and whatever teachings his sensei put out for him. He took mission after mission without complaint, lying and cheating and stealing and seducing and killing day after day. He did it all for Konoha.

_You are loyal. They will respect you for your loyalty_

He worked up a reputation for himself. And he wasn't about to let it slip away again.

People were a little afraid of him, they were wary around his sensei because he was the man with the demon child under his wing, he was responsible for training that monster into the killing machine that he was.

_You are learning_

Minato was a little disheartened by all of it. But was helpless in what he could do to fix all of this. Kakashi had gone so far, and Minato decided that it was time to bring him back.

So Minato went out and got Kakashi a couple of teammates, and hoped for the best.

-/-/-/-

And though it took some getting used to, Kakashi adapted to the new teammates, and decided that he could keep them around. The girl was useful for healing and once the boy uncovered his sharingan Kakashi was sure he would be useful too.

_They will help you_

Though sharing his sensei was something new, Kakashi got used to it quickly because he couldn't afford to be childish anymore. Now he was aiming for jounin and a team would look good in his files.

_Learn teamwork_

And though he didn't work well with others, jounin normally worked solo. So he had nothing to worry about, unless he went into the teaching field, which he didn't plan on doing anyway.

The amount of people that respected him was still small, but growing. There was still Gai, and the new addition of Rin and Obito. Kakashi was sure they respected him because he was always there to save them, time after time, and even if they got fed up with him, he knew there was respect buried under all of that frustration.

_They will admire you_

So Kakashi's group was growing, but it wasn't enough. People were just beginning to stop connecting him to his father, and he wanted to erase the white fang from their memories forever.

_They will forget that man, but they must remember you_

Soon everyone would recognize him for who he was, and everyone would hear his name and feel the deep respect that came along with it.

In a far off future, some would say that Kakashi was never one with ambitions, that he was lazy and laid back. If anyone heard that now they would surely deny it. Kakashi worked his heart out, with a fire in his eyes, and a hidden longing for the recognition he deserved.

_Secrecy is your most useful weapon_

Soon people would talk, and there wouldn't be a person out there who did not hear the name "Kakashi" and shudder from the weight of his reputation, or the rumors that they had heard of the warrior from the leaf.

_You are brave. They will respect you for your bravery_

Bingo books would mark his name with a "flee on sight" command, he would become so powerful that shinobi everywhere would quake and not do anything about the reluctant respect that dripped into their words when they heard his name spoken.

_They will fear you._

Taking mission after mission, a bit slower now that he had Obito and Rin to look after, but he got things done. Kakashi was growing.

And so he set his sights on his next obstacle, the jounin exams. He planned on flying through it, advancing to the next rank with no sweat, and adding another accomplishment under the name that was Hatake Kakashi.

-/-/-/-

But as smart as he was, he could not foresee the death of Obito. He could not save him for all the genius he was worth. He couldn't stop that boulder from falling, crushing his one and only friend, and all that he had worked so hard for.

_Be a warrior. You must stand up!_

The Hatake was one of a coward, a failure… His genius didn't let him succeed. His pride blocked his view, and for so long, he was blind. Blind to all the faults in his quest for the respect he thought he deserved. It was all a lie, but a part of him, the terrible selfish part. It was growing, hungrily eating at his conscious, taunting him and mocking him.

_What will you do? _

Harsh words followed him on the streets of Konoha and tracked him into his nightmares, snarling with words that kill and it hurt even more because he knew that each and every one of them was true.

_You will not break._

Lies and rumors taunted him. No one would look him in the eye anymore, especially not his _stolen _eye. The eye he _stole_ from his friend. The eye that Kakashi the _thief, _had _robbed _from Obito, and left him there to die. The bloodline limit that was rightfully the Uchiha's but was now in the scarred, face of the disgrace that was Hatake Kakashi.

_It will make you tougher_

The Uchihas looked down upon him, the civilians shunned him, it was awkward around any other shinobi. He couldn't be in the same room with them without and uncomfortable silence echoing with the news of his failure.

He was so tired of it. All he wanted to do was hide in his apartment. But the cruel voice in his head pushed him on.

_They will pay for their disrespect. You will prove it._

And that's just what he planned to do. He set to work, training and training until no one could deny how strong he had become. He'd retake his old place on top and no one would ever be able to steal it away.

They all would see how he had grown, how clever and quick he had become and he would be able to see the respect they had for him shining in their eyes. They would see how far he had come, how he had pushed through all adversity and survived, and how he had grown from it.

_You are strong. They will respect you for your strength_

But he was begining to think that no one would ever look up to him. He was a fraud, a disappointment. He was a killer and a liar, and he was a fake but it was all he ever knew and he was just so good at it. He never learned to be anything else and one thought pushes him on.

_You will be respected. This is not the end._

He made it his goal in life, and erased everything else. The amount of people that respected him was shrinking; there was Gai, as always. Gai could see no wrong in his "Eternal Rival". Kakashi was left in the dark about Minato-sensei and Rin, but if he were them, he didn't know what he would do. He probably wouldn't respect himself. But he will change that.

_Go._

-/-/-/-

He drowned himself in mission. The killing, day in, day out. His life was lost in turmoil of blood. The team had disbanded; each member had gone their own separate ways. As for Kakashi, he was alone again, and he was back to his journey for acknowledgement. It was only him and his misery.

_Use the time you have. Spend it wisely._

He bid his time, training and perfecting his techniques. Until there were no flaws. Only perfection. There was no room for mistakes. He had no more doubts; there was not a misgiving in his mind.

He adopted the Wolf mask and with it shut out the outside world. He was Wolf. He took mission after mission, until his days were labeled by the number of innocents he had killed. Until everything was blended into a violent, screaming blur that consisted of death and only death. Death was his friend. They were partners.

_Vulnerability is a weakness. You will crush all weaknesses._

Hatake Kakashi had seemingly disappeared from existence, lost in the insanity that was ANBU. Caught up in the confusion and inhumane murder. He was ANBU Wolf. He had not seen sunlight in the longest time. He strived in the shadows; he relied on the darkness to shield him. His kunai drips blood and he knows his job is done for the day.

The mask comes on and the feeble, tattered shell that he had taken residence in was no more. It had transformed into the battle harden soldier he was born to be. It was a solid being laced with scars and other evidence of the beatings his shell had endured.

_This is the fruit you efforts had bared_

It was the toned muscles that worked like clockwork at his every command. It was frazzled, paranoid eyes that took in everything and missed nothing. It was the lithe, agile feet he pranced with all the grace a shinobi should possess, and he lands without sound behind his victim. He loved that feeling. A sick satisfaction in the surprised look in his prey and the flash of fear before it was all over.

_You have not failed. You have a meaning._

He was not human anymore. He was the hunter. He enjoyed the thrill of the chase, the adrenaline pulsing through his being, accented with the whistle of wind in his ears and the music of a thousand chirping birds.

The power of the chidori concentrated into the palm of his hand, the pure control he felt. He was calling the shots now. He was a shinobi first. Shinobi did not question orders. He had to become the perfect tool. He had achieved perfection.

_You are obedient. They will respect you for your obedience._

There was nothing to stop him now. It was him and only him. There was no more Sakumo to compare him to. No more Minato to watch over him. No more Obito to look out for him. No more Rin to bring him back.

The amount of people that respected him has grown. And Kakashi is proud. The whole ANBU organization has been terrorized by the young killer that is known as Wolf. He has manipulated them from the inside, and they know just how far he can go.

The only thing that has changed, which surprised him, was the lack of his longtime supporter, Gai. Gai had always stood by him, and Kakashi did not know how he felt about this. He should have known Gai would not approve. Gai never did understand. He never would.

_You don't need him anyway. It was a small price to pay._

Kakashi lets the voice guide him; he is willing to follow it anywhere. He is not afraid.

-/-/-/-

It had taken a long time, longer than he cares to admit, to drag him out of that dark gap in his life. He was ashamed of himself and his actions, but there was no turning back. Oh how he wishes he could turn back time. He was foolish for throwing away everything that was given to him for the acknowledgement he thought he wanted.

_Do you regret it?_

In truth, he regretted every moment of his, wasted, ignorant existence. He was a fool. Had he learned anything from his sensei? He was self-centered, useless, and weak. Everything was all his fault and all he could focus on was himself. So many things have gone wrong in his life, and he was powerless.

But now, everyone knows the name Kakashi Hatake. They know of his tragic lives filled with mistakes and nothing else. They know of all his plunders, oh his dark times. His tale was known worldwide. He continued to work, at a slower pace. He felt like he never really could get back into the frenzy of work that he had before.

_Do you miss it?_

He didn't miss it. He had lost himself in that time, he had been in so deep and it had been impossible for him to get out on his own. But in the end, that's what it took. He wasted a big part of his life in the ANBU organization. He had gone off the deep end… that was the scary part of him that he didn't want to resurface ever again.

He has learned to shove aside the ambitious snarl to the back of his head until it becomes a faint whisper. He waits for the day it willl disappears forever.

_What happened to you?_

He had turned into a monster, lost all self-control he had over himself, all the dignity he had within him lost when he succumbed to the ANBU's organization. It was something he wasn't proud of, nor liked to remember.

It just proved how greedy and bloodthirsty he could be when left to his own terms. Now he has come back to life, ready for living, and all of a sudden… everyone's gone.

_What has changed?_

It wasn't like he didn't acknowledge their deaths… it just never really hit him until years later. Sakumo… those days in the academy… gone. Over. And he was never getting them back. Life was so simple back then, so blissfully uncomplicated.

He would never see his father again, never see his hardy black eyes reassuring him, never again intertwine his hands with his father's, never see that pony tail swaying as he walked.

He would never smell that scent that was his father's, the one of dirt and grass and sometimes faded blood. It never seemed to bother him; it was only evidence of how hard his father worked and how good he was at his job.

And now his father was gone and he would never see him again, he would never get to say how proud he was. His father would never know that his son understood now, and he was proud to be known as the son of The White Fang.

_How have you grown?_

Obito. That always smiling, cheerful young boy who was an Uchiha but never acted like one, he had been dead for 15 years now. Buried under the earth and long since rotted and the only thing keeping his memory from fading was Kakashi, the only living member of his team.

No more Obito with his easy going personality and comical eyes black eyes, no more of that friendly smirk he had gotten to know. He would never again see those eyes mocking him with evident jealousy or that grimace whenever Kakashi corrected him. There would be no more trips out with his team, just trying to be the children they were in such a war torn world.

Kakashi would never get to tell Obito how sorry he was, how terribly significant he was in Kakashi's life. He would never get to know what Obito thought of him now, if he blamed him and hated him for what he has done. Obito would never know just how desperately Kakashi needed his acceptance.

_You were bitter. You were confused._

And Rin, the light of his life, the only thing that kept him alive time after time. The humble, shy girl with her soft brown eyes that sparkled when she laughed. And her laugh, like music, dancing into the air and filling silence. But she was just a name on the memorial stone and a ghost of a girl who was never coming back.

She had taken residence in his apartment and he was gone too often, spending his night lost in the melody of chidori as it rang into the night. Gone from her life like he had never existed, right when she needed him most.

She was reaching out for him and he was too busy building up a reputation that he didn't deserve. And now she was gone too. Her life was nothing more than a memory kept alive in Kakashi's head.

And she would never know how much he loved her, how badly he wanted to tell her what he was feeling, how painfully the words burned on the back of his tongue. But he had waited too long, and she would never know just how much Kakashi needed her in his life, just how many times he came back just for her, just how heartbroken he was now that she was gone.

_You were shattered. You were dazed._

His sensei. The man who always came back for him, was always there to guide him. He was always there when Kakashi needed someone to talk to or just be with him. His sensei with the distinguishing clear blue eyes that portrayed his every motive. His sensei with bright hair like a beacon to guide him.

His sensei who used to always have time for him and helped him after the deaths of so many loved ones. The man who was like a father to him, always pulling him through and watching over him. He had given Kakashi so many things, a friend, a teacher, and now a future too.

His sensei who stood so proud atop his summon, besides to fiery rage of the monster as its tails danced into the night. He glared into the demon that had destroyed his home as he sealed it into his son, majestically like the leader of the village should.

His sensei who died with all the grace and bravery a Hokage should possess, up until the light died from his lively blue eyes. The cries of the kyuubi echoing into the mournful night, a symbol of what had been lost here.

He would never know just how thankful Kakashi was that his sensei had cared for him when he was young. How proud Kakashi was to be known as the Hokage's apprentice. How glad Kakashi was for the time they spent together, the lessons he had learned. Kakashi was glad that he was privileged enough to know him, that he had played a part in his life.

But his teacher was gone and these words were left unsaid.

_You had no one to turn to. Nowhere left to run._

But now it was all over. His whole life had passed before his eyes and he was not proud with what he saw. He had come back down and now all he does is keep his head down and hope to forget memories that are ingrained in his mind.

Some see him as modest, some see him as lazy. All he is misunderstood and so, so tired. But he covers it up with a dog eared orange book reading words he already knew so well. Burying himself inside the world of fantasies hoping he could find faith within it that there were still happy endings out there somewhere.

Somewhere far, far away.

-/-/-/-

His past is scarring and his path is one he hopes no one has to follow.

_You are noble. They respect you for your nobility._

It makes no sense anymore, but Kakashi is beyond caring.

Kakashi doesn't know how many people respect him, and quite frankly he doesn't care either. But in retrospect, this is the time when his supporters grew the most.

All of the jounin have heard the rumors of his haunted past and they have learned to never judge a book by its cover.

_You are weak yet they respect you for your strength_

All of the chuunin have seen him limp into the mission room, bloody Wolf mask clinging to his exhausted face, and they have learned that they must never, ever cross his path.

_You are a traitor to your friends and your family name, yet they respect you for your loyalty._

All of the genin have seen him and have heard whispers of what he was like in his prime, and they hold a guarded respect for him.

_You know too much, seen too much. Yet they respect you for your knowledge._

Half the country has learned of the name Kakashi and they know to fear him because they have heard of his legacy, and they know what this man can do. His legendary combat skills are those to be feared, he is the warrior of the village hidden in the leaves

_You are a coward, yet they respect you for your bravery_

But the road of his journey has been a long one, and on the way he was lost. He doesn't want their respect anymore. He doesn't deserve it. He wants to go back to the beginning, but he is in too deep and he knows there is no going back.

_You break the rules, yet they respect you for your obedience_

He will wander on his road of life forever, and he will never find his way. He has been lost for a long time. Too long.

-/-/-/-

So years later when he tells Sasuke not to obsess over revenge, he knows what he's talking about. While he wants to beg him, command him, keep him tied to that tree until he regained some of his sense, Kakashi knew that it was a decision Sasuke must make for himself. Because Kakashi knows.

And though he would never want history to repeat itself, he fears there is no other way for this child to learn. And he hopes that by the time Sasuke realizes it, it won't be too late. Too late for him as it was for Kakashi.

_At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read Loss, only feel it. ~ Memoirs of a Geisha_


End file.
